RELATIONSHIPS
Why Setting Ultimatums Can Save Your Relationship
Do you know what a stop-loss is? It is an order used in stock market trading to limit an investor’s loss. For example, if you place a stop-loss order for 10% below the price of $100/share, your stock shares will be sold at market price once the stock falls below $90.
While this may seem a bit complicated to newcomers, the stop-loss is used so you don’t end up losing more money than you intend to. Those who don’t apply stop-losses can get emotionally tied up to their position, and instead of getting out with a minimal loss, they end up with huge, monumental financial losses.
The idea of a stop-loss can be applied to romantic relationships. And it should be.
Too many relationships are dragged out far beyond their expiration date. Many begin as a fantasy. But because these relationships have no direction, they become stale and unfruitful. They become prison cells for both the man and woman.
This is why ultimatums matter. The ultimatum is the stop-loss of the relationship. It serves as a declaration that the relationship has run its course, and severe action has to be taken.
The Ultimatum of Time
Every couple should have goals in relation to time. Deadlines, hours spent together, time away — all these help give an idea of how well you are doing as a couple. To illustrate, here is a scenario I have seen play out at least 5 times with my friends and their partners.
I have friends, and even relatives, who have been in a relationship with their partners for at least 8 years. That is a long time. And guess what — none of them stayed together. They all broke up, and within a year or two, got married to someone else.
What is even worse is the fact that some of them rushed into marriage. One of my friends married a rock band guy and divorcee who turned out to be a freeloader.
But what was the biggest mistake? It was staying together as a couple for far too long without actually getting married.
Now marriage may not be for everybody. But realize that marriage is an acknowledgment of your absolute commitment to each other. Women can become insecure about the man’s commitment, and often for good reason. This is why gentlemen, it sometimes doesn’t matter if you have an extravagant wedding or not, just putting a ring on her finger just might mean the whole world to her.
Why is overstaying a bad idea?
You may ask, what is so wrong with being in a relationship for 8–10 years prior to marriage?
The answer may be that being in an unmarried relationship that long often doesn’t lead to marriage.
Here’s why:
Say for example you start your relationship when both of you are 20 years old. Both of you are in university. So far, so good. You are having the time of your lives. You are also focused on studying. You are living off an allowance or you have a part-time job. Evenings are spent studying or hanging out at the local bar with friends.
Forward ten years later. Can you imagine how much has changed since then? Can you imagine where you are in your careers and business? How about your personal lives? You are almost two different people by that time. You aren’t the same people you were when you were at university.
And in those 10 years, you have just been together. Comfortable. Easy. But nothing new. You’re not living together, not yet. And you wonder, “I’m not getting any younger. I want children. I’m not sure if he wants that yet.”
He may have been hinting at taking things to the next level, but he isn’t ready just yet. So you think to yourself “If he isn’t ready yet, then when will he be?”
You don’t need a big wedding, or at least that fantasy has gone. You don’t mind not having a big house yet, you can start by renting a two-bedroom. We just need to start, that’s all.
Then you start freaking out. You scroll through Facebook and Instagram and see all your friends posting wedding pictures, family vacations, and baby pics. Your jealousy spikes through the roof.
You become a ticking time bomb. Regret fills your mind and heart. It is only a matter of time till you want out. Soon you become a statistic, an addition to the growing list of couples who overstayed their time.
All those years of waiting patiently. All your efforts, emotions, time, and money — all that just for nothing.
Stick to your standards and stand your ground.
Before I married my husband, I had my own personal ultimatum: if he did not propose within 2 years, I would break up with him. Luckily, he did without me having to tell him.
But you have to have standards for yourself. You need to have goals, and if your partner can’t ride with you, you have to be firm — we either go together now or I leave you in the dust.
Ultimatums don’t necessarily have to be about time. It can be about having children, or getting a place of your own. If you can make these non-negotiable goals clear to your partner, then you give your relationship the chance to be fruitful and productive.
Ultimatums work because they force you to move forward in your life. If you are in an 8–10 year relationship with no progress in sight, do you really expect him to propose to you now? He might be too comfortable for you to expect anything new out of him.
If you feel things aren’t getting done, stand your ground. This is a sign of love because you want the best for both of you.
Cut your losses if you need to. You will never get back the time that you lost. You may never move on soon enough.
If you ever feel that you are in a relationship that is going nowhere, then set yourself free. There are people all over the world who are willing to take the next step with you. You deserve to be with someone better.
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