Psychology
Relationship Trauma is Not Just Drama, It’s Reality
“You’re cryin’ out behind the smiles, and I can see right through the lies”
It’s understandable — even normal — that people will tell someone to move on right after a breakup. Don’t dwell in the past, they would say. However, many of their friends and people who care about them may not know they may be having difficulty recovering from their previous relationships.
Such unsolicited advice might be in their best interest, but some would deem it insensitive.
Why would they deem it insensitive? Simple; it’s because they’re dealing with trauma. Relationship trauma to be more specific.
Why Do People Get Traumatized?
Sometimes, people think that being in a relationship is all just peaches and cream. I say that’s a whole lot of NOPE. Being in a relationship with another person means you will have to deal with their unrevealed personality and traits, their distasteful side–a side not many can stomach.
People who have lived comfortable and morally straight lives would not know the roughness of the tumbling wild nature of unsupervised adults, especially adults with unprocessed trauma. They inflict the innocent with their issues, resulting in trauma and fear — in the worst cases, developing PTSD.
I’ve known a friend all my life who used to be bright and filled with optimism, up until she went through a relationship that scarred her long enough that she sought mental rehabilitation. Yes, it was that bad. It was only through years of therapy that she could bring back her bright self again–though not as bright as before, nevertheless, still radiating her brightness.
Relationship trauma is not something to joke about, nor is it something to be taken lightly. People’s trauma responses in a relationship normally cause them to either disassociate, freeze, cry, or worse, self-sabotage. There are different kinds of traumatic responses, varying from different intensities.
The 6 F’s of Trauma Responses in a Relationship
Have you ever seen a person raise a hand, and the other person flinches? Flinching is considered a muscle memory for people whose alertness and anxiety are heightened, due to — you guessed it! Trauma.
There are other kinds of responses. Let’s simplify them:
Fight
People who have gone through physical abuse or a life of fists and kicks naturally will respond by fighting back. But it’s not always about the physical fights it’s also verbal wars. People suffering from trauma have had enough of not being able to respond or fight back their aggressors, so in return, they develop a fight pattern in their verbal arguments. This traumatic response is not to insinuate a fight, rather, it’s more of a threatening defense against aggressors — inviting them to do more.
Flight
One of the most common traumatic responses people opt to do. The word flight itself means leaving or flying away from the scene of what caused or inflicted the trauma. Like birds when they see danger, they won’t sit there and freeze; a simple move with threatening intentions can make a person flee or disassociate. People will do the silent treatment to flee or purposely not encounter a conflict; not acknowledging what’s happening around them.
Fright
Just like flinching, it’s a natural response for every person who has gone through trauma. Your body recognizes physical or verbal patterns that frighten or heighten your security, triggering your anxiety.
Fawn
If you have ever encountered a people-pleaser, they have definitely fawned over you at some point. Why is that? Because at some point in their lives, they try to appease their aggressors by conforming to their needs and wants; door-matting themselves, submitting to the will and needs of others more than themselves, just to put themselves in a good light. They don’t know that they’re enabling their abusers.
Fine
Denial is not a river, but it surely is what people are doing whenever they encounter trauma. If you’ve ever seen a funny meme of a cartoon dog saying “everything’s fine” while his house is on fire, that’s the epitome of a “Fine” trauma response. You know it’s bad for you, yet you deny it.
Freeze
Basically, if a car is driving toward you at a speed of 60 mph, you would freeze too, because you’re too shocked to know what’s going on; like deers to headlights, they freeze. Humans tend to do that whenever they encounter a traumatic part of their lives. It’s not because they want to disassociate from what’s happening, they just don’t know how to respond.
Allow People to Help You
Asking for help from your partner or lover won’t be enough to heal you from your troubles. Ask your therapist or anyone with professional knowledge about the science of Self and Mind if they know how to deal with trauma triggers in a relationship.
Everybody has their triggers; be it a word or an action, it must be dealt with care. People need to realize that relationship trauma creates more problems than it should be. It is one of the reasons why many stay away from relationships. Being traumatized hinders people from loving wholly, hence some will think they’re not giving enough effort.
Sadly, more than a hundred thousand people suffer from trauma from their relationships, and the majority of them don’t know how to recover from it. If you ever find yourself having trouble dealing with your trauma, don’t worry. You’re never alone in this journey; don’t be afraid to seek help. You will someday conquer your fears and triggers.
Related read
